This is the 5th week since school starts. It's already the 5th week, but yet i still know nuts bout all the theory based modules. DVDE and WCD are still fine for me since i know bit bout photoshop and css. Really need to buck up bout my studies. Have no time to waste anymore. MST is like coming in the next 2 weeks and yet i have no time to revise even though i wanted to. Need to resist the shows that my parents are watching too. Must really pull my GPA up. So much for saying concentrating in class way before school term starts. -_-
Cheerleading was getting tougher and tougher. Yes, i got into school team. The team that i had been working so hard for. When they announced the list, i feel nothing. really nothing. i thought this is what i have been fighting for, getting into the team, and compete with others to get the championship. Is this really what i want? The stress level is getting higher and higher. In the beginning, i dont fell from stunt at all or rather, i fell but i didn't hit the mats. But right now, i keep on falling to the mats. I'm afraid. Afraid of injuring myself. Creating phobia for myself.
Terence asked me before, "if a flyer keep on falling down from stunts, will your confidence level drop?" I used to think that, if you trust yourself and your bases, you wouldnt fall. But right now it's not bout trusting or level of confidence. I meant by like, it's like a "do it right or you die" now. Unless you get the stunts right, else you fall and hit the ground. I used to find that pop twist is damn cool and wanted to try it. But when i try it, i turn my shoulders instead of hips, my backspot become front spot. I dont even dare to twist myself right now.
I told myself that just twist, they will catch me. But i still couldnt do it. Tuesday training was seriously a tough one for me. I cried a total number of 10th times during the training. My mind wasn't really able to support me when i was unable to hit the pop twist stunt. I was really very disappointed with myself when i couldnt hit the twist. i wanted to, i practiced on ground. But up stunts, i'm afraid. "Aiya, you keep turn infront you want die jiu die" I know this is just saying when coach is pissed off with i keep on turning front. That kills me even more.
Went to tried basket toss, first few tries was okay, and i really go up straight. But after that, i keep on failing. until the last tried, coach is pissed with i keep on doing wrongly that he said, "enough enough, you're ban from stunting today." banned from stunting today. i was really sad when i did it wrongly again. Songrong say that it was the bases fault to coach but he dont really care. so it was the final strength that was killed. I couldnt take it and i cried. Red blood shot eyes. The girls came to find me when i ran inside to the toilet. I was slowly getting back but one by one came to find me again and i cry again and again.
I really had myself for being stagnant in improving. seeing the rest improve i really feel damn disappointed with myself. I meant like, i really sees myself as the worst in the top16 girls. So what i'm in the top16? I didn't improve as much as i expected myself to.